The Queen
Elizabeth II (Elizabeth Alexandria Mary Theodore Windsor) is the constitutional monarch of 16 countries but feels very much at a loss as she did have so many more. Liz was born in Oxford and went to a normal comprehensive school under the false name Lizzy Windsire until her Father's catapulting onto the throne. From then on she had to move in with her family in order to appear in the reality TV. Show 'The King's Speech', an embryonic form of 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians.' In 1947 she married a Greek businessman and with him sired 4 children, Charlie, Annie, Andy and Eddie. Principal roles The main day to day roles of the Queen include opening supermarkets and going on holidays and stuff. Her main headline event for the year is the Queen's speech. The Queen's speech takes place once a year and is written by the government and is read by the sitting monarch, in this case, in her usual shrill monotone - which is the way that all words should sound. It is the Queen's English. If she wants it to sound nasal and boring, then nasal and boring it shall sound. She delivers the speech while sitting on the ground throne in the House of Lords...or Commons..no it's not it's in the Lords. The day of the Queen's speech actually begins at 10 AM when a group of Beefeaters search the cellars of the Houses of Parliament. A tradition that dates back to the Gunpowder Plot of 1605 when Guy Fawkes tried to blow up Parliament and this is the only time of year in which they search for gunpowder, so if you're planning to blow up the British Parliament you should be fine as long as you don't do it on the day of the Queen's Speech at 10AM. Guy Fawkes could not have picked a worse time. The speech is designed to outline everything that the Government is going to do in the upcoming year. Unfortunately it is modern practice that Prime Ministers have already revealed almost everything that is going to be in the speech which rather steals the Queen's thunder a bit. Insider sources have revealed that the Queen is often tempted to throw in some stuff herself. One such draft message read "My government are planning to put a dog on Mars by the end of the year." In recent years the Queen's Speech has come into some criticism, devoid, as it is, of jokes, quips or any engagement with the audience. Treason Treason is the worst thing you can do to the Queen, except maybe say her sceptre is a bit shit. Treason is the only crime still punishable with death. The most recent example of this is when Bugler, Andy 'Plutarco Elias Calles' Zaltzman, on the occasion of Lizzie and Phil's 60th Anniversary asked if it was time for someone else to have "a go on the Queen." He self presented himself to the Tower but was let off with the minor punishment of having to have silly hair for the rest of his days. Personal Details Crisis In the week beginning the 26th of November the Queen's Government 25 million British peoples details in the post in an effort to save money whilst transferring it. In the immediate aftermath of this scandal a growing voice raised concerns with those blaming the Prime Minister or even the Chancellor of the Exchequer or even the low ranked staff member who perpetrated this terrible error and instead placed the blame solely at the feet of the Queen. Critics argued that if she wants her name attached to the government it's about time she fronted up, held her hand up and said "This is my fault! It's my government! I'm sorry! I resign! I'm going to cut my own head off!" Many believed that this would be seen as a purely symbolic gesture that the British public would appreciate. Privatisation of The Queen In the week beginning the 3rd of December 2007 a plan was put into place to make the Queen self sustainable and take her off the taxpayers payroll through the introduction of merchandise. Products drawn up included: *Toy crowns *Inflatable corgis *Answerphone messages (A trial of which still exists reading "Hello. John is not in right now but leave a message and he will get back to you. God save me.") It was believed that this would do very well with Australians and lapsed Jews, however the resurgence in popularity of the Royal Family (through the Olympics, the birth of Georgie and confusion between them and the sitcom of the same name) proved that this privatisation may not have been cost effective in the long term. Sexual Allure The Queen is a cult sexual figure for many men, however a strange corollary appears to emerge wherein ex-Australian Prime Ministers and lapsed Jews find her irresistible. On two separate holidays to Australia the Queen was manhandled by two different Australian Prime Minister's - Paul Keating and John Howard. It is also alleged that Robert Menzies (Prime Minister of Australia 1949-1966) had a sexual affair with the Queen. This is because of Australias successes giving the English a Fuckeulogy in cricket. Many scholars have suggested that the Queen releases a pheromone that is especially sensitive to Australian Prime Minister's and infidels. Jewish doctors are unsure what it is that probes her irresistible to the men of Zion - some say it is the power, whilst others say it is her raw animal magnetism. FJHM (For Jewish Him Magazine) has had The Queen in the top ten in their Hot 100 since it's establishment in 1991. The only other person to be included so consistently is Florence Nightingale. Anthropologists have drawn links between the fact that both Lizzie and Flo are on bank notes as a possible theory towards their allure. A sure sign that your Jew is a fan of the Queen is if the base in his voice reaches an unnatural timbre when discussing Her Royal Smokiness.